It just feels weird.

I want to begin by saying thanks to everyone who has sent along their best wishes.  It has been truly overwhelming.  I have enjoyed each and every email.  Sorry for the randomness of the thoughts, but I can't seem to put a decent group of thoughts together.

 

Weird.  That is the only word I can use to describe the past few days. 

 

Once I found out that my birth certificate was a partial fabrication, there were parts of it that were real.  Oddly enough, there was enough information to track it down to one person and one person only.  I have seen her high school yearbook photo, I have asked people what they think and everybody agrees it looks a lot like me.  Matter of fact, I am looking at her picture as I write this. I feel so numb about it and that kind of scares me.  It is odd becuase I have a sneaking suspicion that my aunt may have actually known her family through the type of work that they did.  I am waiting to speak to my aunt about it.

I have a third party reaching out to this woman to see if she is my birth mother, but he has yet to actaully speak with her.  If he doesn't hear from her, I guess I will have to write a letter.

 

I can't begin to imagine what may go through her head.  I can't believe what has gone through my head.  Today has got me down.  I have tried to keep myself busy, but today I just keep going back to it.  I have been a miserable person to be around.  I have just been very short with every answer.  I don't like feeling this way

 

I wish I could actually put into words the way I am feeling but I don't really know what I am feeling

 

I want to do more searching, find out more information, but I know I have searched everywhere I can.  I have googled her name hundreds of times.  I have searched out her family on ancestry.com over and over again.  I actually looked up her family tree and attached myself to it.  I have since pulled that down.  I was letting myself get carried away.  I have the tendancy to do things that way.  I have actually searched places that she would know who I am.  I didn't even think about it.  I hope she doesn't find out that way

 

I am going to bed for the night.  I suppose I will find out when I am supposed to find out.

 

If you are the woman that gave birth to me, and you are reading this, I am sorry that you found out this way.   

 

I look forward to the day when I can tell you with 100 percent certainty that I found her.